Do affirmations work for you? I feel like they don’t work for me. Or they just don’t work the way they seem to for others. I started modifying the way I was using them and it’s made a BIG difference. Obviously, this isn’t my usual carnivore health content, but it is still very much related. I have experienced some crazy things since beginning my mission for better health and healing with a meat-based diet. Some traumatic memories have surfaced and I’m dealing with them now – or at least not burying them.
I’m about to get pretty vulnerable here, so please be kind.
Self-Doubt
Lately, I have a constant flow of doubt and feelings that I’m not making a difference, that what I do doesn’t really help anyone, and that my ‘gifts’ aren’t contributing anything of worth to the world. I have feelings of failure, letting others down, and feelings of selfishness for pursuing a dream instead of a paycheck. I’m not looking for sympathy here. We all go through this from time to time, I think. But for me, all of the inspirational quotes in the world only remind me of someone in my life who needs to hear those words. I’m not able to apply the sentiment to my own life and believe it. This is what I’m working through now.
I excel at building others up, encouraging them, and coaxing them along to help them see their value and achieve their goals. But I can’t look myself in the mirror, give myself a pep talk and feel better. The words of affirmation don’t carry any weight – they are just words to me. They don’t land anywhere when I speak them to myself.
I don’t know if I can explain this clearly, but I’ll try. In order to actually feel the effects of positive self-talk or affirmations, I have to pretend that the thoughts and feelings I’m trying to overcome belong to a client, friend, family member, or even a stranger. I think about what’s bothering me and then pretend it’s someone else with that particular problem or challenge. What would I say to them? It’s a natural tendency for me to be encouraging and uplifting to others. Being encouraging to myself feels weird, self-indulgent and self-important to me.
Here’s where it gets weird…
Here’s the part that may not make sense to anyone else. Once I know what encouraging words I would offer someone else, I have to sort of step outside of myself and turn inward as if I’m speaking to that other person. Does this make any sense at all? Can anyone relate or at least understand?
So, rather than meditating to try to convince myself that these negative thoughts are lies or self-sabotaging, rather than giving myself a pep-talk in the mirror or repeating positive affirmations to myself, I need to imagine someone else has come to me with these negative thoughts and feelings. What would I say to that person?
“You ARE important.” “You DO help others.” “You have a beautiful gift of a caring heart and the ability to express that through writing.” “Those who love you believe in you and want happiness and fulfillment for you. They will support you.” “Don’t let fear keep your light hidden. No one benefits from that.”
Why can’t I just tell myself these things? Why can’t I look myself in the mirror and smile and get all the good feels? Why do I have to imagine stepping outside of myself as if I’m talking to someone completely separate from myself?
Origin Story
Does it come from being told that it’s not polite to put yourself first? Does it come from being taught that you should always allow others to go before you? That you’re not a nice person if you think good things about yourself? That everyone else is better, more deserving? That it is my duty to lift up everyone else? I still wrestle with that. I still believe all of that. Humility and sacrifice is what I was raised on. I was always told not to be selfish. I was a very shy child, afraid to speak up and give the wrong answer or be ridiculed for my thoughts and actions. Is this what caused me to allow others to abuse me and do awful things to me? Probably. I think a lot of bad things happened to me because of that and I learned to detach from myself.
In a way, I have lived most of my life being detached from myself. From a young age I can remember acting on impulse, being reckless, and believing that nothing I want or feel matters. So I detached and went along with what others wanted from me. I had a habit of ignoring my instincts and doing what I perceived would please others who cared nothing for me. I’m just coming back into myself after being detached due to about 35 years of traumatic events.
Here’s where the healing comes in…
Still, I long to be of service to others – but I’ve come to realize I was meant to be of service by leading and teaching. Not by floating along and being an object to be used for others’ various purposes. Through conditioning or through my nature of compassion, I learned to support and encourage others. I will do battle for those who cannot or will not do it for themselves.
So out of my damage and trauma, I’m turning that detachment into a tool to remind myself of my purpose. I’m spending more time making sure I am intentional and present. When it comes time for a little pep talk with myself, I use my detachment trick and then get right back to the here and now with a lighter feeling and joy in my heart. I use prayer and gratitude daily. That works for me. I will never be someone who will feel entitled to pamper myself, but I am learning to take better care of myself.