Food Addiction and Obesity in Childhood:
I have been addicted to food since I was a kid. I have binged on everything from sliced bread to uncooked hot dogs. One of my earliest memories of feeling shame came from sneaking yet another handful of little chocolates that my dad had brought home and my mom calling me a glutton when she discovered me stuffing them into my mouth while hiding behind my toy box. I remember asking her what that word meant and that feeling when she told me. I was about 5 years old, maybe 4.
I felt shame, but it didn’t stop me. Rather I think it defined me in my mind. I was the fat kid. Shopping with my grandmother in the boys’ ‘husky’ section of Sears as a girl in 1st grade was humiliating, but I had no concept of diet. My next shameful moment, at about 8 years old, came when my grandfather had bought me a bag of Reese’s Pieces. We were going to go fishing after he closed up his shop, and he told me not to open that bag. That was a treat for later. I insisted I would not open them, thinking to myself how I didn’t even really like Reese’s Pieces. No sooner than he left the room, I opened and devoured the entire bag. Within 5 minutes, he returned and expressed his disbelief and disgust. I literally ate anything and everything that I wanted and would constantly search cupboards for food when I was not even hungry. The food was filling a void that I did not understand at the time. I could go on and on with memories of feeling that shame related to my binging. Maybe I’ll share those another time.
When I was around 12 years old, my mom said she would buy me some workout clothes if I promised to exercise. You know, the shiny, colorful leotards with the matching headband and leg warmers from the 80s. Yeah, that must have been a sight! But she bought them for me. And that was it. I didn’t keep my end of the deal. I had no idea HOW. Like, ok thanks. I have this outfit, but how exactly do I exercise? No one ever showed me or encouraged me, so I didn’t do it.
Now, was this all due to the failing of the adults in my life for not putting any restrictions in place or teaching me how to eat properly? Was this something broken in my brain? Dopamine deficiency? I can say with 100% certainty that I did not have a typical childhood. I was born to teen parents. My mother had severe mental and emotional trauma of her own. I’d be willing to bet that it was a perfect storm of a lot of things.
I’ll skip over the teen years for now. Just know that there was a lot of destructive behavior and I truly believe I’m lucky to have made it through that period alive.
Anorexia & Bulimia:
As I continued with binging into my 20s, it finally hit me. I was in my apartment searching for loose change so that I could go buy some snack cakes when I realized that I did not have control of my own actions. I felt possessed! It finally occurred to me that I wasn’t really consciously making this decision. I felt an overwhelming urge, but not a thought process. It was as if I had held my breath for too long and felt the overwhelming urge to take a deep breath. You don’t tell yourself constantly, ‘breathe in, ok now breathe out, breathe in…’. You just do it. That’s what eating was like. Mindless, compulsory binging. That revelation didn’t stop me, though and disordered eating from one end of the spectrum to the other consumed my life for more than two decades.
Around the age of 22, and at approximately 230lbs after giving birth to my first child, I went to the other extreme. I became obsessed with staying under 20 grams of fat. I cheated, though. I rounded up. If something had 3 grams of fat, I counted it as 5. I kept a running tally in my head all day, counting and re-counting obsessively, and then rounding up that number as well. So, when I may very well have had only 7 grams of fat for the day, I was counting it as 20 grams. I lost a lot of weight very, very quickly. There were days when all I had eaten was a small bag of pretzels from the vending machine, a diet Mt Dew, and a bag of light microwave popcorn for dinner. Snackwell cookies and ‘yogurt’, Tootsie Rolls, or Twizzler Nibs were eaten as an additional ‘meal’ now and then. I worked in retail at the time, so I was on my feet, racing around all day. It definitely was not enough food. My manager at the time was extremely worried about me. She pulled me aside one day, almost in tears. Which was really strange because she was a tough lady. Most of my coworkers were a little afraid of her because she was strict and didn’t put up with anyone’s shit. But that day, she told me about her niece who had passed away from complications of anorexia. She saw similar behavior in me. I thought she was crazy, of course. “I eat, Pat. I promise I do!”. I wasn’t lying, really. Or at least that’s what I convinced myself. I was very skinny – and very sick. My cycle had always been irregular, very heavy and very painful. But now it was very light and short. I had blood in my urine at times. I would get extremely sick and vomit at random times. I began over-exercising, teaching 9 – 11 cardio kickboxing classes per week, plus working out at home. I fractured both of my legs due to malnutrition and over-use. But I had lost 112lbs, so I wasn’t about to stop. I maintained my weight at 118lbs for a few years and through another pregnancy. I even kept that weight, or there about, through a seriously abusive marriage, divorce, and into another abusive marriage. But after the birth of my third child, I lost control. The weight crept back up through my second divorce and continued beyond that 230lb mark.
For Weight Loss, Eat Less Move More…Yeah, Fuck That:
By my late 30s – early 40s I was finally over this shit. I did not want to just exist as a fat lump. I missed out on so much with my kids because I was just so tired all the time. Dusting the living room would wipe me out. My muscles and joints ached, and I could not do any more. After just dusting!
My youngest had been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Hypothyroidism at the age of 8. Her antibodies were in the hundreds, she had so many digestive issues and had so much inflammation at such a young age. I did a little research, put her on a gluten free diet and – WOW – what a difference that made for her! So I went to my family doctor and asked if this could possibly be my issue as well. He begrudgingly ordered a blood test for my TSH level and antibodies. TSH is the thyroid stimulating hormone and the presence of antibodies mean the body is attacking that particular part of itself. The result was a TSH of 5.5 and antibodies around 180. He told me that my TSH was in the normal range and never mentioned anything about the antibodies. At the time I didn’t even know he included antibodies in the lab work. I argued that my TSH was at the very high end of normal, so couldn’t my symptoms be due to that? He laughed at me. He LAUGHED at me. HE LAUGHED AT ME, and said, “Everyone would like to blame being overweight on thyroid issues, but that’s not your problem”, and he refused to look any further
Bullshit. I called an endocrinologist on my own and told them my TSH results and the experience I had with my doctor, and they brought me in for an appointment immediately. I never went back to that arrogant ‘doctor’. I was put on thyroid medication and also began taking a weight loss/food addiction drug.
That experience taught me how to advocate for my children’s health and for my own. I researched everything I could before any appointment after that. That research led me to paleo – which helped a lot. That led me to low carb – which helped even more. Which led me to keto – which helped even more, BUT I began to get bogged down in the counting and tracking macros, and keto ‘treats’, and the expense of trying to make SAD foods (SAD = Standard American Diet) into keto-approved versions. Freaking exhausting! Between keto, calorie restriction (1200 calories a day), and the weight loss drug, I was down to 140lbs, working out, and feeling amazing. But I was SO. Freaking. Tired of tracking every single thing and calculating. UGH! Then, I found Dr. Ken Berry, and Neisha Berry, and Kelly Hogan, and Dr. Shawn Baker, and Steak and Butter Gal, and all the wonderful, amazing, brilliant others who have taught me so much! And now I belong to a community where I am supported and encouraged to EAT as much carnivore food as I possibly can to heal my hunger hormones and my thyroid. But it’s also healing my mind, my outlook, my everything. I have gained a lot of weight back doing this. I don’t even care. I feel so good, and I know it will come off again once my body has healed from all the trauma I have put it though. There’s no rush. I’m living now – not just existing.
So here I am, about to turn 50, and I finally figured it out! I stopped the weight loss medication and I’m happily eating about 3,000 calories a day at the moment. Meat is healing me. I don’t eat any plants, I don’t eat any sugar or processed foods, I don’t use any sweeteners. I eat meat, butter, and eggs. I’m ridiculously happy and energetic, my mind is clear and focused, I do not crave carbs, I have no food addiction issues, and my sleep quality is incredible. From mindlessly eating as though possessed to being able to be around people who are eating pizza and ice cream, and just be able to say, ‘wow that smells good,’ and not be compelled to eat it…. that is nothing short of a miracle.
More on the whole thyroid, wight loss drug, and some other medications I have had to take in the next post. Hint – I was pre-diabetic, insulin resistant, and could almost grow a beard in 12 hours. True story!
If you managed to get through this ‘short post’ – thank you! While I’m writing mostly for myself, to work through some things, I hope you come back again and that I can help others who may have endured these things in some way.
xoxo
~ The Candid Carnivore