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A Letter to My Former Self

letter to my former self

If only. If only I could travel back in time and show myself how life could be. If only I had learned then what I know now about health, nutrition, and mindset. If only I could take her by the hand, encourage and love her. If only I could send a letter to my former self, I wouldn’t have wasted so much time punishing myself with nothing to show for it but a feeling of defeat and failure.

Dear Me (or You)

I get it. I really do.
You want to feel better NOW.
You want the weight off NOW.
You’re sick. You’re tired.
And you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Your confidence is down. Or maybe it’s gone completely.

You’re ready to try anything and everything to get to the person you are inside.

Baby, just take a breath.

You’re frustrated. I know.

Change is hard.
But please do me a favor.

Do it out of LOVE.

Do it because you’re making your health a priority – not because you hate your thighs or your pant size.

Do it because you want to truly live and love every minute of this short life.

Fuel your body for the life you want to live.
Move your body for the life you want to live – not to punish yourself.
Do it out of love – love for yourself, love for your family, love for life.

Your expectations are high, and that’s a great motivator. But let’s be realistic about it, hm?

You would never decide you’re going to be a runner one day and try to finish a marathon the next.
You would never decide you’re going to start strength training today and walk onto a bodybuilding competition the next.

Can you expect to heal years of health issues in a week? A month? Six months? Probably not.

But if you start today, you’re one day closer to revealing your true self. The version of you that has been hidden from the world for years – hell, your whole life – is suffocating in there.

This is not how God intended you to live. You were not created to merely exist, survive, or take up space. Life is a gift to be experienced every minute of every day, free of suffering.

It’s time to stop hiding under the soul-crushing weight of chronic disease and food addiction. You have the choice to change all of it. It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose to be this way. Don’t worry, I’m on your side. You’re not alone. And I love you.

xoxo

Love,

the version you were meant to be

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Tuning In to My Body, Tuning Out the Noise & Impulses

Tuning In to My Body, Tuning Out Noise & Impulses

I’m taking a break from all the extra things this month. I’m tuning in to my body, tuning out the noise & impulses – discerning between impulses and actual needs. What I am doing and what I am not doing in November 2022…

Let me preface all of this by saying – I don’t see what I’ve experimented with over the last 2 years as jumping from trend to trend. I typically give new things several months and keep a close eye on every detail. If there is something I may have only tried for a few weeks – that’s because the negative effects were insurmountable in relation to the expected outcome. i.e., it just wasn’t worth it.  Like the 6 weeks of straight liquid bowel movements that I experienced in one of these experiments. I may try that experiment again in the future with more measured steps. But for now…

Here’s what I’m doing and what I’m not doing – the things I’m saying yes to and the things I’m saying no to for the month. I am in no way saying you should do these things or not do these things. Please, for the love of God, do the work to find what your body needs – either on your own, armed with books, podcasts, and videos; or in groups or with a coach. But it MUST be individually tailored to YOU. You can find so much support and guidance out there! Here is the link to my groups and one-on-one coaching, but you find the person, people, or groups that best suit you. No hard feelings! I just want people to heal and feel good!

I’m Saying NO…

No to Weighing Myself

Hopping on the scale has been an automatic daily habit for years. It doesn’t trigger me or make me feel bad anymore. I may feel temporarily disappointed or validated depending on the number it shows me, but I don’t think I obsess over it. It doesn’t ruin my day. I have just been using it as a piece of data that helps me measure what is happening with my body. I have a goal weight in mind but I’m not focusing on that as I have in the past. I weigh what I weigh. It’s just whatever. 

I’ve always had a higher muscle mass, just naturally, so the only thing I really want to measure when I do use the scale is my body fat percentage. BMI is honestly the stupidest thing, so I ignore that completely. BMI doesn’t take into account my high bone density, my muscle mass, or my excess skin from losing and gaining 60 – 100 lbs over and over again. 

No to Tracking

Tracking has been a helpful tool in different experiments I have tried. Tracking definitely has its time and place in a carnivore diet on occasion. But it is so easy to get into the habit of using it for the wrong reasons. That can quickly lead to obsessive, restrictive behavior. As someone susceptible to addictions, it’s time for me to let this go for a bit. 

When I was using a tracker during my low carb/keto phase, I was using it as a means to restrict calories. I was so hungry and miserable all the time. Sure, I lost weight, but I still felt like shit physically and mentally. It was an exhausting battle to deny my needs just to fit into a calorie limit. Seriously, I’d like to go back in time and smack myself for restricting to 1200 calories a day, while working out 3 times a week for 1 – 2 hours each time. I never got in enough fat because my calories were set so low and I was so addicted to sweet tastes during that time that I would prioritize getting to eat a fake sweet keto treat over eating fat. I thought that if my carbs were low enough and I ate foods labeled ‘keto’, that I was keto. Rookie mistake!

I stopped tracking for a long time when I went carnivore and that was so freeing. I recommend tracking for a very short time to my clients to make sure they are not under-eating. I want them to hit a minimum number of calories for their specific needs, especially if they have a history of dieting and restricting. Never ever do I want them to use that as a tool to limit their calories when their bodies are demanding nutrition. 

I began tracking again this year for a different purpose. When I tried the higher fat and moderate protein version of carnivore to see if it spurred any fat loss for me, tracking was serving a different purpose than it did before, yet it still felt a little obsessive. Rather than tracking to stay below a certain number of calories, I was tracking to make sure I had the exact right number of grams of fat and protein based on a general calculation. I would find myself eating when I’m not hungry, or using the excuse that if I still have ‘x’ number of grams of one macro or the other I can eat more even if I was not hungry. 

Conversely, I sometimes would not allow myself to eat when I really was still hungry because I had already hit those limits. So for this month, I’m not tracking. It’s kind of making me panic a little, to be extremely honest. My brain and my body have been at war for so long, there is no trust between the two. I’ll spend this month working on repairing that relationship!

Next month, I may track intermittently. Just to see what the data is. Not to hit a specific number or stay below a certain number. But just to observe…’I wasn’t all that hungry and this is what that looked like and what resulted at a later date’. Or, ‘I was super hungry and I ate until satisfied the thing that I craved and this is what that looked like and here is the result’.

I’m also not tracking blood glucose or ketones this month for the same reasons. I have to give my body back the control over what it needs and stop trying to hack it into what I want it to do.  In short, I’ll listen to my body, do what it wants, observe that as data and wait for results.  

No to Eating on a Schedule

I’m trying to really tune in to what my body needs. When I set an eating schedule for myself, much like tracking, I find I will eat even if I’m not hungry because it’s time to eat. Or I will not allow myself to eat because it’s outside of that schedule. 

How many times a day will I eat? Not a clue. Eating one meal a day was nice for a while, as it gave me that feeling of fullness I love so much. But it wasn’t great for my digestion or for my binge eating behavior. Eating 3 – 4 times a day was a pain in the ass. I don’t have time for that. I naturally tend to lean toward 2 meals a day. Then a little snack if I am truly hungry. 

Eating on a schedule makes living life and being spontaneous very difficult. I have been so stressed about random things that come up when eating on a schedule. I freaked out if I wasn’t going to be able to eat due to a meeting or some appointment or obligation, so I would eat early when I wasn’t hungry. But then freaked out because the schedule was messed up and I didn’t want to throw my tracking off – over- or under-eating any of my macros. 

This is going to be the hardest part for me. Because it means being present and truly allowing my body to guide me rather than allowing my brain to control things. At this moment, 11:15 am, I’m not all that hungry. I don’t want to stop what I’m doing to go eat. Normally, I’d be getting ready to eat my second meal of the day. I’m not intentionally fasting or intermittent fasting. I’m just actively listening. 

No to Following or Trying New Things to Force Weight Loss

Eating all the meat didn’t work for the weight loss result I wanted – but I healed a bunch and let go of the guilt and nourished myself! Eating high fat also didn’t give me that weight loss result. Though I know my body responded better to higher fat and moderate protein with lower glucose and measurable (not high) ketones. But I found anything under 90 grams of protein made me feel horrible. This version also gave me severe and prolonged gastric distress making me feel depleted and defeated. 

I never quite fit into any one way of doing anything. I’m learning to take bits and pieces from various ideologies within carnivore and using what works for me and throwing out what doesn’t work. In the end, this tells me that there is still healing to do and reminds me to not focus on weight. Goal weight does not equal goal health. 

This will be challenging for me, because my brain wants a certain outcome and has a certain goal in mind. I’m not a patient person and I’m extremely stubborn. Rather than trying every trend and every hack, I’m just going to sit back and let my body lead me. I’ll take any new information I see out there in the webiverse and examine it very carefully before deciding if I want or need to try it. 

This is what I want to stress to literally every single person trying any method of changing their health. Just because it worked for person A, does not mean it is right for person B. If I see person A is doing X and achieving a goal I seek – does that apply to me? Does that person A have a similar health history? Was their metabolism damaged in the same way and for the same length of time? Is that person in the same age range, or have the same muscle mass? The answer to most of these will probably be no. You’re the only you, and I’m the only me – go figure!

I’m Saying Yes to…

Yes to Movement

Listen, I require dopamine. If something doesn’t give me dopamine I want nothing to do with it. The idea of working out does not give me dopamine. I get so bored during a workout that I want to scream. But as in the rest of my commitments for this month, I’m taking my brain out of it. I can’t get to my goal of a healthier, more metabolically fit version of myself without going down that road. Working out is the path to that goal. 

Getting stronger and more flexible will make me less prone to health issues and injuries as I get older. Being in the habit of exercise and daily movement is going to go a long way to ensure that I can still do all the things I want to do well into my old age. I plan to live for a very long time, but I don’t want to spend my golden years just sitting around. I want to live –  truly live and love every minute until the very end. Which hopefully is at least 100 years old!

I am really going to try to love exercise again. I’d rather just do a lot of physically intense labor, honestly. But I don’t live on a farm (yet), and winter is fast approaching, so doing labor-intensive work outside will have to wait until summer home improvement projects roll back around. 

Yes to Habits That Make Me Feel Good

Going outside – The cold does not make me feel good, but maybe I just need to learn to love it. The sun, on the other hand, does make me feel good! I feel more energized, more focused, and feel more gratitude when I go outside and get sunlight into my eyeballs. It transforms me. Oh the things I wish I had known in my darker days of depression!

Praying and practicing gratitude helps calm my chaotic brain and ease my anxiety. This is an easy habit to stick to when I’m outside seeing all the beauty in nature and focusing on breathing. It puts me fully in touch with my intentions…

Yes to Focusing on My Intentions

I have been so very blessed to have many incredible opportunities this year. I left my government job of 12 years to follow my passions – writing and coaching people to better health. Now there’s a YouTube channel and interviews and my platform to reach others is growing! This makes my heart so happy! All of the ‘No’ items listed above, those things I am breaking up with for at least the month of November actually were taking up so much time and energy. 

If you pay attention to my blog at all, you’ll know it’s been several weeks since I posted last with the exception of reposting something I put on Instagram last week. It’s always been my intention to post to this blog once each week. Trying to do all the things and hacks and tracking took a big chunk of my time. 

I want more than anything in the world to help pull people up out of that place I was in for so many years. That despair inside me that I literally sugar-coated my entire life has been replaced with clarity and joy. I intend to use that new-found energy and outlook to show others the way. I want to be the Rafiki to your Simba! Does anyone else get that reference, or is it just in my head? Hard to say. The point is, I want to show cab addicts, food addicts, sugar addicts, binge eaters, and anyone struggling to just not feel like crap that it IS possible. I’ll be there to guide them, cheer them on, and celebrate with them. There are no small wins – only WINS. 

If you’re looking for your very own cheering section, you can find my groups here. 

If you’d prefer your own coach/cheerleader, you can sign up for individual one-on-one coaching here. 

You CAN do this. You can take back control of your health. You can heal. You can lose weight. You really can live a long, beautiful life. 

I’m here to help. 

Love you!

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The Long Road to Health

I have a few ‘then and now’ images to share. My story isn’t a glamorous one, but all stories are important ones, right? The long road to health may be winding, bumpy, steep, and seemingly never-ending. I haven’t found the end yet, myself. And I don’t know if that’s even the goal. Because…then what? My goal is to seek out new challenges and never stop improving.

How Did I Get Here?

I didn’t have shocking results with one specific plan, carnivore or otherwise.

The list on each side of the photos above, me at 40 and me at 50, is not the whole list. There’s so much more…depression, anxiety, brain fog, PCOS, hirsutism, insulin resistance, OTHER eating disorders including anorexia and bulimia, muscle and joint pain…the list goes on and on.

I tried all the diets, and all the advice, and felt like I must be broken beyond repair.

Slowly, when one daughter was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, I started looking into “food” as a cause of chronic health issues. We started with gluten-free, paleo, whole food. Then I discovered low carb. Then keto. But I was still addicted to sweet tastes. Still am, to be honest. I have to be very deliberate and strict with even carnivore-ish sweet foods.

I lost weight doing a lot of these different things. But I didn’t start HEALING and optimizing my health until I found carnivore.

My 2-year carniversary is coming up on January 1, 2023. Even that wasn’t a linear journey! I had a few ‘cheats’ in the first year. I got hooked on keto ice cream for two weeks when I had surgery in September of 2021.

But, MAN! Look how far I’ve come!